Behind the scenes with a car mag

When you win a prize you expect a car or a boat, or an overseas trip with nice accommodation and total luxury, and so on. You wouldn't think you'd be driving for miles, swatting flies, and standing around doing nothing. Even then you certainly wouldn't think it would actually be enjoyable.

But that's exactly the kind of prize I won. High rating MOTOR magazine periodically hand out to a lucky reader the privalege of being a dogs-body for their performance car testing weekends.

It was both good and bad that the weekend I won was the biggest, most comprehensive test of the year. Good because there were 20 performance cars involved. Bad because there were more than 20 blokes. This meant, officially, the prize winner would not get to drive anything in anger, like previous prize winners. Too many witnesses.

Unofficially however, I would get to drive anything if I was quick enough to put up my hand. Ferrying cars across airport runways, travel legs through quiet country roads, running down to the local to grab some ice...but you had to be quick. When you win such a prize, you almost need prior experience.

But it wasn't all bad. It started with the chore of picking up the demo Ford XR6 Turbo from Ford's Broadmeadows plant. Walking in and simply saying "I'm Patrick from MOTOR, to pick up the XR6 Turbo", and being given the keys without a second thought, was kind of cool. Cam and I drove in convoy with the hire car, dropped the hire car at Benalla where it would await our return, and continued on to Temora in NSW in the XR6T. Arriving in Temora, we knew we were in the right place. A quiet, middle-of-nowhere town like this rarely has a fleet of cars like this aligned down the main street.

Porsche 911 Turbo AWD, BMW M5, M6 and Z4 M Roadster, Porsche Cayman S, Mercedes CLK 63, Audi RS4, Lotus Exige S, and...so on...

The MOTOR crew were a cliquey group, but it didn't take too much to get alongside a few. I was also reunited with an old face from my Austin Sprite club days in the 1980's- NSW club stalwart Colin Dodd managed to land himself the gig of helping MOTOR ferry cars around for the occasional test. I can't believe he remembered me. Or perhaps his comment of "you had more hair back then" was just the obvious thing to say...

Off to the Temora airstrip for high speed testing. Well, for most of us, it was for standing-around-and-waiting. But when the order went out to take "all the cars to the left of the M6 out to the test strip" it was every man, woman, child and blowfly for themselves. Cam got the hang of it and went for dibs on his chosen steed nice and early.

Dave Morley standing the elegant yet beastly CLK63 on it's nose

I thought I was in heaven when I jumped into the BMW M5 V10 for a run out to the speed tests. I was soon put back in my place when I realised I didn't even know how to start the darn thing. Semi auto selector in N, foot on brake, press start button, hold...

And that was pretty much how it went. Be ready, and snare yourself a quick (I should say "short") drive in an exotic. Driving across the airstrip was in controlled formation behind a local airport lackie, but that didn't mean we didn't get to hang back, create some space, and have some fun...

The day was capped off with a run up and down the airstrip with Dave Morley in the star attraction - the "Porker" 911 twin turbo AWD. 280km/h- that bit was fine. It was the stopping which almost knocked me out.

It was then "musical cars" (as a passenger) for the 45 min trip to Cootamundra Motel. I bagged a ride with Warren Luff. Spending quality time with a V8 Supercar driver was quite surreal. Especially in a BMW M6, the very same car I was salivating over exactly a year ago in Germany, when it was hot off the press.

is this the most action ever seen by the Motel de la Cootamundra?

Sunday morning was back to Temora for more land speed records. This time I hitched with old Sprite buddy Colin in the loudly coloured Ford XR5 Turbo. He keeps convincing me to get back into club racing but I kept convincing him that a kart is the only thing I can dismantle and put back together successfully.

At the airfield it was more of the same, waiting for the moment to do some valet parking. Cam liked the CLK63. I didn't care much for the HSV GTS. For a V8 I expected more lower end grunt. Piffle.

Watching the MOTOR photo gurus assemble a group shot was torture. Those guys are to be admired for their patience. The following shot (exclusive to LAGLER.COM- or wait until January 07 MOTOR) took 2 hours to choreograph.

Okay, MOTOR's pic will probably not have people in the foreground

Sunday evening was drive, drive, drive. From Southern NSW, through the back roads, to Benalla. All speed limits were strictly adhered to. And yes, Jennifer Hawkins is my mistress. Before leaving Temora there was the group-petrol-fill at the local BP. I believe the bill was $980 and a surprised looking console jockey.

I got to drive the first leg in the Subaru WRX Sti. You wouldn't want too many bumps with it's go-kart like suspension, and if you leave it standing too long then drive away it dies and needs the security code re-inputted. A car-jacking function, I presume.

Sunday night in Benalla and it was a mass dine-out at Benalla's only Chinese restaurant. I'm not sure if anyone reading this has ever dined with a group of journalists- it's like having a room full of opinions. Just for once you'd die to hear someone say "I really don't care about that..."

Winton on Monday. Cam and I were asked to fetch some drinking water and ice. We could take any car, we were told, as long as it has a boot. Curses, that rules out the 911 Turbo. V10 BMW M5 it is.

The M5's transmission is so intelligent I'm sure it tried to debate religion with me

Winton to Benalla? Around 9km. Doing it in an M5 Bimmer, snapping through the paddle-shift sequential 7-speed box while the F1-sounding V10 howls? Around 20 km. Velocity after 6 seconds of all this? 170km/h.

Almost returning without any drinks or ice? Priceless. Trying to wipe the smile off my face? Impossible.

At this point I admit getting a little peeved. I'd won a competition, yet all I was doing was standing around a racetrack watching other people drive. I've been doing that all my life! The monotony was occasionally broken by driving cars around slowly to cool the brakes. Or listening to Warren Luff theorise that aliens aren't neccessarily hyper-intelligent, they may all be foul-mouthed working-class bums with flanelette shirts who light their own farts at dinner time. And watching the eloquent Paul Cockburn turn purple from laughing.

Then we got some passenger laps...

...and I was happy again...To be honest, I was not so much interested in experiencing the car, more interested in experiencing the driver. Besides, the cars had been hammered all day and were suffering from spongy-tyre-and-brake-itus. And I wasn't disappointed, Warren Luff is quite a steerer. Of course he is. He's raced at the Nurburgring.

It's amazing how coherent a conversation you can have in that environment with helmets on. "Bit different to your superkart, eh?" quips Wazza. Yeah, I say. This thing's got suspension and a roof...

Seriously, what if aliens aren't ultra-intelligent. What if they're all BOGANS..?

Okay, okay, it was fun in a Porsche 911 monster, a huge experience. But it's a trade-off I suppose. The Porker is $250,000. I can't drive one of those around a track. I can drive my Rotax Max though. And it's 3 seconds a lap faster...

The day closed with Dave Morley drifting the Merc. So wrong. So very wrong. But so right...

It's hard to pick a highlight. For the uninitiated, it would be no kind of prize. For an enthusiast, it was a surreal experience. It wasn't all glamour, but what these guys do could hardly be called a job.

My heroes...

It's like overseas travel. I love it. I've done it all of twice. But I pity those who travel all the time. You'd get too used to it, and it would lose the magic. For the same reason, perhaps I couldn't spend every waking hour driving performance cars flat out. But then, if I was offered the job, I doubt I'd say no...